Journey To El Paso: Goblin’s Consumerist Nightmare

After my irrational misadventures last week, Ghost Rider and I part ways and I have 30 minutes to kill until the Uber arrives. So naturally, I pop 2 edibles and chug the rest of my twisted tea.

I pass out in the Uber and awake high as a kite to her saying, “We here, get out car,” in the thickest Asian accent I’ve ever heard.

I’m walking past everything and look like a zombie trying to figure out how to walk. I’m blind and high, not a good look.

We board the plane and I get situated. All I wanted to do was sleep. Instead, what comes next is straight out of a dystopian consumerist wonderland. I’m woken up an hour into the flight by the most, “I want to die but I’m being enthusiastic anyway” speech from a flight attendant I’ve ever heard in my life. It was an advertisement over the airplane loudspeaker for miles points cards. The flight attendants even walked up and down the aircraft with pamphlets.
Some people decided it was worth it and took it. It’s useful for frequent flyers maybe. But do you really need that new card? I had heard the phrase, “Everything is designed to sell you something” before, but I never expected to get a live demonstration on an airplane.

We land at our connection and God decides not to let me off so easy for my misdeeds last week, and place me in my own personal hell: Phoenix airport. As soon as I deplane, there’s fat people everywhere. Maybe myself and 3 others were average weight. Not even the fitness bros were anywhere in sight. The rest were old Korean or Chinese guys who spoke not a word of English.

I get in line, and God brings me face to face with my worst enemy; Gorlock The Destroyer.

Built like a grizzly bear with diabetes and a blood type of barbecue sauce, this girl was a true symbol of American consumerism. 
She stands from her two seats, some kind of disgusting whipped Starbucks drink in hand, a Michael Kors bag, Ray Bands, and a tight black t-shirt that filled each of her 4 skin folds.

Though she walked with the most insane confidence I’ve seen in a fat person, so I will give her that. Regardless, each step she took released the most gut wrenching scent that’s ever filled my nostrils;  Take an Italian fish market, fill it with dead animals, and that’s what you get here. She even broke out in a sweat as we walked towards the plane. Everyone around her was either staring, plugging their nose, or trying not to make eye contact.

I make my way past Gorlock to the back of the plane, with the rest of the shitbag travelers and sit next to an old Chinese guy and a middle aged white girl. We talked about escaping reality, how technology was the original escape from living hell, and now nature is the new ticket out. He told me of how his son wasted his life getting high, living life with no job, consumed with instant gratification; TikTok, only fans, and virtual reality video games.

El Paso seems to be more peaceful than Eagle Pass. No heavy traffic, with neon lights and signs cover the stores, and not a single skyscraper in sight. Even the airport felt “homey.”

My Uber driver gave his experience on El Paso. Below is a voice recording of a brief conversation with him. He described his experience coming in from Mexico.

Abbott has done a great job cleaning up this mess.